Mr. Nice Guy OC is a cannabis dispensary located in the Santa Ana, CA area. See their menu, reviews, deals, and photos. Mr. Nice Guy is the largest licensed Measure BB Dispensary in Santa Ana. Mr. Nice Guy stocks the shelves with cannabis products from Weedmaps Verified vendors like THClear Co. The dispensary offers a full parking lot and caters to recreational marijuana users in Santa Ana, Irvine. 26 reviews of Mr Nice Guy "This was my 2nd visit to Mr. Nice Guy (sorry, I forgot to I initially went to go to People's OC in Santa Ana but I came a little too late.
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The author approaches the reasons why so many nice guys feel helpless in a very empowering way, with psychological and sociological examples. You will some good exercises as well. Far from asking you to put on the role of an arrogant male that you encounters in tons of dating websites , it actually teaches you how to truly develop your manly core. I need help - marriage on the rocks, work not going well, nervous breakdown imminent and I could not find a way out - no one understood my "syndrome".
Not only does it give insight into the Nice Guy syndrome and how it comes about, what symptoms to look for, but also gives advice and tips on how to work through the issues. Early days yet, but I hope that it will he;p me avoid the biggest crisis in my life. It is well written, comprehensively structured and sufficiently repetitious to help the learning stick. Consulter les 4 commentaires. Commentaires client les plus utiles sur Amazon.
I can't get through to him and it seemed like he was trying to go about things in unhealthy ways that, from what I see, wasn't helping.
This all has been happening these past couple of months and frankly I was getting hurt and pushed away no matter what I tried to do to help him. One night after googling what he has been going through, I found out that he was a classic 'self shamer'. Down to the T. In one of the articles I read, this book was mentioned so I looked into it on here. I ordered it right away and although my husband was reluctant to even go near this book, as he felt what good what come from it, I began reading out loud to him from the book.
Just getting through the first chapter had him hooked and wanting to know more. He's not much of a reader, so I've still been reading out loud to him which I feel has helped us both. He can see what he is doing, and I can know how better to help him. He still isn't fully out of his funk, but at least he has agreed to go through counseling to help get back on track because of this book. And while I'm still feeling down and lonely because of whatever he is going through too, at least it gives me a little hope that this book will work.
As I said, I'm just a woman, but if your partner is feeling like theyre getting no where in life, or that they feel as if they have basically failed at everything, then read this book.
If you see them struggling, read this book because it has a lot of insight of what is going on. And it can even help you. This book is the path to true masculinity. In this book, Dr. Glover gives a very detailed and thorough plan for recovering and kicking the "nice guy syndrome". This book can see right into the soul of the Nice Guy. The irony is that no one really values Cal for his attachments. Further, his dependency on external validation actually prevents people from getting to know him just as he is.
None of these things have anything to do with who he is as a person. Nevertheless, they are the things he believes give him identity and value. Seeking The Approval Of Women Nice Guys seek external validation in just about every social situation, but their quest for approval is the most pronounced in their relationships with women. Nice Guys interpret a woman's approval as the ultimate validation of their worth.
Signs of a woman's approval can take the form of her desire to have sex, flirtatious behavior, a smile, a touch, or attentiveness. At the other end of the spectrum, if a woman is depressed, in a bad mood, or angry, Nice Guys interpret these things to mean that she is not accepting or approving of them.
There are numerous negative consequences in seeking the approval of women. Seeking women's approval requires Nice Guys to constantly monitor the possibility of a woman's availability. The possibility of availability is a term I use to describe the subjective measure of a woman's sexual availability.
Since Nice Guys see sex as the ultimate form of acceptance, and they believe a woman must be in a good mood before she will have sex, these men are constantly diligent to not do anything that might upset a woman whom they desire. In addition, if a woman they desire is angry, depressed, or in a bad mood, they believe they must do something quickly — lie, offer solutions, sacrifice self, manipulate — to fix it.
The possibility of availability extends beyond just sex. Since Nice Guys have been conditioned by their families and society to never do anything to upset a woman, they are hyper- vigilant in responding to the moods and desires of women they don't even plan on having sex with. Seeking women's approval gives women the power to set the tone of the relationship. Nice Guys constantly report that their own moods are often tied to the moods of their partner. If she is happy and doing OK, so is he.
If she is angry, depressed, or stressed, he will feel anxious until she is fixed. This connection runs so deep that many Nice Guys have told me that they feel guilty if they are in a good mood when their partner is not. Seeking women's approval gives women the power to define men and determine their worth. If a woman says he is "wrong" or thinks he is a "jerk," a Nice Guy will be inclined to believe she is right.
Even if the Nice Guy argues with the woman's evaluation, at some level he knows that since she is the woman, she must be right. One Nice Guy asked me, "If a man is talking in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong? Though most Nice Guys claim to "love" women, the truth is, most of these men have tremendous rage toward women. This is because we tend to eventually despise whatever we make into our god.
When our god fails to respond in the ways we expect, we humans tend to respond in one of two ways. We either blindly intensify our acts of worship or lash out in righteous anger. When Nice Guys put a woman or women on a pedestal and attempt to win their approval, sooner or later, this adoration will turn to rage when these objects of worship fail to live up to the Nice Guys' expectations.
This is why it is not unusual to hear a Nice Guy proclaim his undying love to a woman in one breath and then ragefully call her a "f.
I have found that many gay Nice Guys are just as susceptible as straight men to seeking women's approval. As long as the gay Nice Guy can convince himself that he is not sexually attracted to women, he can delude himself into thinking that women don't have any power over him. Breaking Free Activity 5 If you did not care what people thought of you, how would you live your life differently?
If you were not concerned with getting the approval of women, how would your relationships with the opposite sex be different? Cover-Up Artists When my son Steve was nine years old, he accidentally poked some holes in our kitchen table with a ballpoint pen.
When he realized what he had done, he immediately showed his mother the damage. Steve had appropriate, healthy shame about his mistake. He knew that his actions had caused damage to the table. He also knew that he had to take responsibility.
Most importantly, he knew he wasn't bad. If I had done the same thing as a child or even as an adult , I would have had an attack of toxic shame and tried my best to hide or deny what I had done. I would have been convinced someone was going to be angry at me and stop loving me.
I would have lived with the secret as well as a constant fear of being found out. Numerous Nice Guys have commented that they could relate to my son's situation. Without exception, every one of them has admitted that they would have done the opposite of what Steve did — tried to cover it up.
As stated above, everything a Nice Guy does is calculated to try to win approval or avoid disapproval. Since Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they see any mistake or perceived flaw as proof that they are bad and unlovable. They believe that if anyone sees how bad they really are, they will be hurt, shamed, or abandoned.
As a result, Nice Guys are consummate cover-up artists. Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived shortcoming. Breaking Free Activity 6 Look over the lists above. Write down examples of situations in which you have tried to hide or distract attention from any of these perceived flaws. How effective do you think you are in keeping these things hidden from the people you love? Hiding The Evidence Nice Guys find many creative ways to cover up their perceived flaws and mistakes.
Lying Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. Ironically, Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. Nice Guys will tell lies, partial truths, and omit information if they believe it will prevent someone from focusing on them in a negative way.
Drawing On Their Account Since Nice Guys strive so hard to be good, giving, and caring, they believe these acts should build up a credit that wipes clean any wrong they might do. Part of the Nice Guy's belief is that if he does most things right, no one should ever notice the few things if any he does wrong. Fixing Mature people take responsibility for their actions. When they make a mistake or act inappropriately, they apologize, make amends, or repair the damage.
Conversely, Nice Guys try to fix situations by doing whatever it takes to get the other person to stop being upset. Defend Explain Excuse Rationalize. These are all fear-based behaviors used to distract others from focusing on the Nice Guy's mistakes and "badness. Turning The Tables If someone gets angry at a Nice Guy or points out some flaw or mistake, his shame will be triggered.
In an attempt to distract himself and the other person from his "badness" he may try to turn the tables and do something to trigger the other person's shame. I call this shame dumping. This unconscious strategy is based on the belief that if the Nice Guy can shift the focus to the other person's badness, he can slip out of the spotlight.
Typical shame dumping techniques include blame, bringing up the past, deflection, and pointing out the other person's flaws. Walls Nice Guys build walls that prevent others from getting too close. Understandably, this affects their ability to be intimate, but it also protects them from the consequences of being found out.
These walls might include: Addictions food, sex, t. Teflon Men As much as Nice Guys try to look good and get people to like them, the above defenses keep people at arm's length. Like most Nice Guy patterns, these unconscious behaviors actually accomplish the exact opposite of what the Nice Guy really craves.
While desiring love and connection, his behaviors serve as an invisible force field that keeps people from being able to get close to him.
Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual's life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one's humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting.
I often refer to Nice Guys as Teflon Men. They work so hard to be smooth, nothing can stick to them. Unfortunately, this Teflon coating also makes it difficult for people to get close. It is actually a person's rough edges and human imperfections that give others something to connect with.
Breaking Free Activity 7 Do you believe that people can see your human imperfections and still love you? How would you be different if you knew the people who care about you would never leave you or stop loving you — no matter what? Instead of seeking external validation and avoiding disapproval, recovering Nice Guys must begin seeking the approval of the only person who really matters — themselves. Ironically, when Nice Guys begin focusing on pleasing themselves, they actually begin to experience the intimacy and connection with others that they have always desperately craved.
To help facilitate this recovery process, Nice Guys can: One way to begin this process is to pay attention when trying to impress or get approval. Recovering Nice Guys can observe themselves spending extra time on their hair, holding the door open for someone, cleaning the kitchen, or walking with their child in the park — just to get noticed or praised.
As they become aware of how much time and energy they spend trying to garner approval, they can begin living an insicle-out kind of life. This means, rather than focusing outward for acceptance and approval, they turn inward.
In doing so, they can begin asking themselves the important questions: During a session of individual therapy, I asked Cal to make a list of things he used to get approval from others. The next week he brought in a two-page list. I encouraged him to pick one attachment from the list and for the next month, pay attention to how he used it to get value.
Cal decided to focus on his car. Cal kept his car perfectly clean, inside and out. He believed this was one of the things that impressed people and made them like him. He made a conscious decision to not wash or vacuum his car for the next month. While doing so, he would pay attention to how he felt and how people responded to him. Since Cal lives in the Seattle area, his car soon developed a gray haze from rain and road grime.
On numerous occasions, he had to fight the impulse to wash it. When he drove down the road, he was sure that people were looking at his filthy car and judging him. When he drove to work or a friend's house, he waited for someone to shame him. When his daughter drew pictures in the dirt with her finger, it was almost more than he could stand. At the end of the month Cal washed and waxed his car and felt a sense of relief.
Surprisingly enough, during the month, not one person had commented on his dirty car and no one had quit liking him or removed their love from him. Likewise, washing and waxing his car after a month didn't make anyone like him better or garner him any new friends. Breaking Free Activity 8 Go back to the list of approval-seeking behaviors at the beginning of this chapter. Choose one of the ways you try to get external validation and do one of the following: Set a period of time to stop doing it.
Tell the people around you what you are doing. If you slip, tell a safe person about it. Use the slip as information about why, in that particular moment, you felt the need to get external approval. This may not make logical sense, but it is a powerful way to explore any dysfunctional behavior.
Observe how you feel when you consciously try harder to get external validation. If a Nice Guy believes he isn't worth much, his actions toward himself will reflect this belief. When a recovering Nice Guy begins to consciously do good things for himself, these actions imply that he must be worth something. When I address this issue with Nice Guys, they frequently can't think of more than one or two good things to do for themselves.
Together, we will often brainstorm and make a list of possible things to do. These good things can range from simple acts like drinking lots of water or flossing their teeth to more extensive things like taking a trip or buying the car they have always wanted. Below are a few possibilities: As the recovering Nice Guy begins to do good things for himself, he will feel uncomfortable.
He may actually feel frightened, anxious, guilty, or confused. These feelings are the result of what is called cognitive dissonance. When the Nice Guy does something good for himself he is doing something that implies he is valuable. This will conflict with his deeply held belief that he is worthless. As a result, he will experience dissonance — a clashing of two competing messages.
In time, one of the beliefs will win. I encourage recovering Nice Guys to keep being good to themselves, no matter how frightening. In time the core messages from childhood are replaced with new, more accurate beliefs that reflect their inherent worth. Todd, introduced in the beginning of the chapter, spent so much time trying to get the approval of others that he rarely did anything for himself. On the encouragement of other men in his No More Mr.
He began small by buying himself new socks and underwear. After a few weeks he started an exercise program and began working out regularly. Even though it made him feel guilty, he started going to a massage therapist every other week.
He shared with the group that even though he occasionally heard a little voice that said he wasn't worth it, doing so was one of the most affirming things he had ever done. A couple of months later, he reported that he had gone on two dates with two different women, both of whom seemed to like him just as he was.
Breaking Free Activity 9 Begin with the list above and add good things that you can do for yourself. Put the list up where you will see it and choose at least one thing per day and do it for yourself. Affirmations replace old, inaccurate messages about the Nice Guy's worth with new, more realistic ones. When used alone, the affects of affirmations are usually short-lived. This is because these messages are contrary to the oldest, deepest beliefs the Nice Guy holds about himself.
Affirmations are only effective when used along with other processes that help change the Nice Guy's core beliefs. Breaking Free Activity 10 Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note cards and place them where you will see them regularly.
Change the cards often so they stay fresh. When you read affirmations, close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your mind to reject the affirmations in favor of old, deeply held beliefs. The following are some possible affirmations: When alone, Nice Guys can discover who they are, what they like about themselves, and what rules they choose to govern their lives.
I strongly recommend that Nice Guys take trips and retreats by themselves to places where no one knows them. In this context, the Nice Guy has fewer reasons to try to win people's approval, and there is less of a need to try to hide faults and mistakes.
While alone, Nice Guys can reflect on themselves and their life direction. It is also a good time to practice taking responsibility for one's needs. When alone, the recovering Nice Guy can do what he wants without having to please or compromise. He will go to bed and get up when he wants. He will decide when and what to eat. He will decide where he goes and what he does. When alone he will be less likely to caretake, seek approval, sacrifice self, or try to fix someone's problems.
Spending extended periods of time alone also helps recovering Nice Guys face their number one fear — loneliness and isolation. When the Nice Guy discovers that spending time alone doesn't kill him, he may also realize that he doesn't have to stay in bad relationships, tolerate intolerable behavior, or manipulate people to try to get his needs met.
This time alone is spent most effectively when the Nice Guy can observe his tendency to distract himself with addictive patterns such as keeping busy, or using sex, food, or alcohol to medicate. Writing in a journal during these times can be especially effective.
Some of the most insightful periods I have experienced in life have been by myself on weekend camping trips, week-long retreats, and times when my wife has been out of town. Breaking Free Activity 11 Plan a weekend trip to the mountains or beach. If possible, plan a vacation or retreat for a week or longer by yourself to a place where no one knows you.
Visit a foreign country by yourself if at all possible. Use this time as an opportunity for self-observation and reflection. Take along this book and spend time doing the Breaking Free exercises.
When you return home, observe how you are different and how long it takes for you to begin returning to familiar patterns. Changing this core belief requires that they bring their humanity out into the open, release their toxic shame, and receive more accurate messages than the ones internalized in childhood.
By necessity, this process requires a safe person or safe people. As frightening as it may initially feel, finding these safe people is essential for learning to approve of self. The recovering Nice Guy cannot do this part alone. Safe people are essential for reversing the distorted beliefs all Nice Guys have about their worth. This process requires building trust. I suggest that the recovering Nice Guy set a regular time to meet with his safe person or group, and a little at a time, start revealing himself.
This process begins by just talking about himself. This in itself makes many Nice Guys uncomfortable. Over time, the recovering Nice Guy can begin revealing the things about himself that he is the least comfortable letting others see. Once trust has been established, he can begin to reveal things about himself that create fear and shame. I have watched many Nice Guys go from being secretive and evasive to revealing their deepest, darkest secrets in the presence of safe people.
Reid, a recovering alcoholic and a member of a No More Mr. Reid came into a group late one evening and remained quiet and detached for the first thirty or forty minutes. Reid's pattern in the group was to either join in actively or stay withdrawn. His quiet periods were often a signal that he was emotionally distraught. When an opportune time arose, I told Reid that he seemed withdrawn and I asked how he was doing. Once the attention of the group focused on him, his appearance shifted from detachment to terror.
One of the group members asked if he was having an affair. I was so depressed that I went out and bought a fifth of Vodka and got drunk. He had been clean and sober since joining the group six months earlier.
He was active in AA, but had experienced a number of slips and relapses in his 12 years of recovery. A group member handed him a box of tissues and Reid wiped his eyes. He then continued telling his story and revealing his shame in between sobs. I'm totally out of control. He shook his head and shared that he had slipped so many times that he didn't think anyone would care or want him back.
Various members of the group shared with Reid that they didn't think he was bad nor did they have judgment of him. They could see that he was hurting. They told him that they had great respect that he came into group and revealed what was going on, especially since he had so much shame about it. Lifting his hand to his forehead he shook his head as in disgust for himself.
I went to the peep shows near my work two times this week. I feel totally worthless and don't want to go on living. I've made a mess of everything. They reassured him that he wasn't bad and that no one had judgment of him. To the contrary, everyone respected him for revealing his shame and pain.
They supported him in talking to his wife, calling his sponsor and going to a meeting. They asked him to call one group member each day during the next week and let them know how he was doing.
When Reid left the group that night, he was obviously shaken and scared. He had also released a heavy burden and received the support of a group of people who genuinely cared about him and wanted him to be OK. No matter how deeply Reid feared that his badness would cause people to judge him and abandon him, neither of these things happened. Instead, he received the message that there was nothing he could do that would make the men in the group stop liking him or stop caring about him.
Shedding Old Skin As recovering Nice Guys release their toxic shame and start seeking their own approval, they begin to realize several important truths.
As recovering Nice Guys begin to apply the principles described in this chapter they can embrace the reality that they are human.
Like every other human, Nice Guys make mistakes, use poor judgment, and act inappropriately. Nevertheless, their humanity doesn't make them bad or unlovable nor does it cause other people to stop loving them.
Imperfect humans can only connect with other imperfect humans. Most folks tend to be attracted to individuals who have some substance and sense of self. Chameleons usually don't draw much of a crowd or get many ovations. By shedding their chameleon skin and learning to please themselves, recovering Nice Guys begin to experience the intimacy and connection they have always desired.
By learning to approve of themselves, they begin to radiate a life energy and charisma that draws people to them. As Nice Guys stop seeking approval and stop trying to hide their perceived flaws, they open a door to start getting what they really want in love and life. Lars had come to see me on the encouragement of his wife. He reported being generally depressed and unhappy for as long as he could remember. In recent months he had found it difficult to sleep at night and was experiencing migraine headaches on a regular basis.
Even though everything in his life seemed to be "fine" — good job, nice home, family, etc. In his first counseling session, Lars revealed that he had constant fantasies of "chucking it all" and disappearing to somewhere else in the world. These thoughts made him feel guilty, so he kept them to himself.
In that session I asked Lars what he did for himself. He gave me a puzzled look. I repeated the question. After a pause, he answered, "Not much, I guess. This discussion was met with both fear and resistance from Lars. The same hesitancy was repeated as he began his second counseling session. Lars looked at me with amazement. All he ever thought about was himself and the rest of us suffered as a result. I just couldn't do that. I couldn't be a self-centered S. I've got a wife, kids, a job, a mortgage, and bills to pay.
There's no room for me to start behaving like my father. Nice Guys generally focus their attention on meeting everyone else's needs while trying to be "low maintenance" kinds of guys themselves. When I talk with them about making their needs a priority, their response is similar to that of Lars.
This ubiquitous pattern among Nice Guys is the result of childhood conditioning. When a child's needs are not met in a timely, healthy manner, the child may come to believe he is "bad" for having needs. He may also think that it is his needs that cause people to hurt him or abandon him. Typically Nice Guys respond to these inaccurate interpretations of their life events by developing a number of survival mechanisms. While creating an illusion of security in childhood, these survival mechanisms only increased the odds of their needs going unrecognized and unmet.
Since it was when they had the most needs that they felt the most abandoned, they believed it was their needs that drove people away. These helpless little boys concluded that if they could eliminate or hide all of their needs, then no one would abandon them. They also convinced themselves that if they didn't have needs, it wouldn't hurt so bad when the needs weren't met.
Not only did they learn early not to expect to get their needs met, but also that their very survival seemed to depend on appearing not to have needs. This created an unsolvable bind: The only logical solution was to try to appear to be needless and wantless while trying to get needs met in indirect and covert ways. As a result of these childhood survival mechanisms, Nice Guys often believe it is a virtue to have few needs or wants.
Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling. Since getting their needs met contradicts their childhood paradigms, Nice Guys are extremely uncomfortable when they actually do get what they want. Though most Nice Guys have a difficult time grasping this concept, they are terrified of getting what they really want and will go to extreme measures to make sure they don't.
Nice Guys carry out this unconscious agenda by connecting with needy or unavailable people, operating from an unspoken agenda, being unclear and indirect, pushing people away, and sabotaging. A good illustration of this dynamic is the way Nice Guys commonly try to get their sexual needs met. Many of the Nice Guys I've worked with have expressed a heightened interest in sex, yet they frequently feel frustrated in their attempts to get these needs met. This is usually because their actions pretty much guarantee that they won't get what they believe they want.
Nice Guys have an uncanny knack of picking partners who, because of childhood sexual abuse or other negative experiences with sex, tend to have a difficult time being sexually expressive. When these partners do make themselves available to be sexual, it is not uncommon for Nice Guys to do something that further ensures that they don't get their needs met. The Nice Guy may respond by taking control rather than letting the sexual experience unfold. He may focus on his partner's sexual needs before she has a chance to pay attention to him.
He might start a fight by making a comment about her weight or her past unavailability. All of these strategies pretty much ensure that the Nice Guy won't have to experience the fear, shame, or anxiety that might get triggered if he actually allowed someone to focus on his needs.
Do you believe people want to help you meet your needs? Do you believe this world is a place of abundance? How can they keep the fact that they have needs hidden, yet still create situations in which they have some hope of getting their needs met? In order to accomplish this seemingly impossible goal, Nice Guys utilize covert contracts. These unconscious, unspoken agreements are the primary way that Nice Guys interact with the world around them.
Almost everything a Nice Guy does represents some manifestation of a covert contract. The Nice Guy's covert contract is simply this: Most of us have had the experience of leaning over and whispering in our lover's ear, "I love you.
Giving "I love yous" to get "I love you toos" in return is the basic way Nice Guys go about trying to get all of their needs met. There is nothing wrong with asking your partner to tell you she loves you, but telling her "I love you" first to get an "I love you too" in return is indirect, unclear, and manipulative. As a result of the conditioning they received in their family and society, Nice Guys believe if they are "good," then they should be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.
In reality, the primary paradigm of the Nice Guy Syndrome is nothing more than a big covert contract with life. Breaking Free Activity 13 Identify at least one covert contract between you and a significant other.
What do you give? What do you expect in return? Share this information with the other person. Ask the person how it feels to respond to an unclear agenda. Nice Guys believe their caretaking is fundamentally loving and is one of the things that makes them good people.
In reality, caretaking has nothing to do with being loving or good. Caretaking is an immature and indirect attempt to try to get one's needs met. Caretaking always consists of two parts: Reese, a graphic designer in his late twenties, is a good example of the extremes to which Nice Guys caretake in their intimate relationships.
Reese, who is gay, lamented in one of his therapy sessions, "Why can't I find a partner who gives as much back to me as I give to him?
Within a period of a year, Reese entered into three intense relationships. Each began wonderfully and seemed like the partnership he had been looking for. Each failed because of the same scenario: Reese picked men who needed rescuing or fixing. The first boyfriend lived in Canada and had recently gotten off drugs.
He came to live with Reese but never applied for a work visa and struggled to stay clean. Reese went out of his way to be supportive of his boyfriend with the hope that he would find a job and stay off drugs. Finally, Reese sent him home to get his life straightened out.
Later, he found out from a mutual friend that the reason his boyfriend had never applied for a work visa was because he was HIV positive, something he failed to tell Reese. The next boyfriend was of a different race from Reese and had never come to grips with his homosexuality. His parents and religion kept him in constant conflict. He was never able to commit to the relationship. Nevertheless, Reese went out of his way to be supportive and giving, all with the hopes that his boyfriend would eventually get things straightened out and become available to Reese.
The third boyfriend was in the military. He was living on base, some 40 miles from Reese's apartment and had no car. Reese had to take the initiative in getting together and would often shuttle his partner around. Because Reese made more money, he always paid when they went out. Reese frequently bought his boyfriend gifts and loaned him money.
When this boyfriend got transferred to a different state, Reese quit his job, sold his car, and moved along with him, only to return in three months because his partner started running around on him. During this month period while Reese was so busy caretaking the needs and problems of his boyfriends, he gave up his job and alienated most of his friends and family. Reese's caretaking allowed him to stay oblivious to his own self-destructive behaviors while investing tremendous energy in trying to fix others.
As is true for most Nice Guys, no matter how much he gave to others, Reese never felt like he got as much back in return. Caretaking Though Nice Guys see everything they do for others as loving, caretaking has very little to do with caring. Here are the differences: Caretaking Caring 1 Gives to others what the giver needs to give. Nice Guys caretake for a number of reasons, none of them having anything to do with love.
For them, even the most innocuous and subtle act often has some string attached. Nice Guys give in the ways they would like others to give to them. They give gifts, affection, back rubs, sex, surprises. They will encourage their partner to take a day off, buy a new outfit, go to the doctor, take a trip, quit a job, go back to school — yet would not give themselves permission to do any of the same things.
Breaking Free Activity 14 Identify two or three examples of your caretaking behavior. In order to stimulate awareness of your caretaking, do one of the following for a period of one week: Because Nice Guys have a difficult time differentiating between caring and caretaking, stop giving completely except to young, dependent children. Tell people what you are doing so they won't be confused. Observe your feelings and other people's reactions.
As odd as this assignment may sound, it is a very effective way to create awareness of your caretaking behavior. Pay attention to how you feel and how other people react to you. The Victim Triangle Rather than helping Nice Guys meet their needs, covert contracts and caretaking only lead to frustration and resentment.
When this frustration and resentment builds long enough, it often spills out in some not so pretty ways. Giving to get creates a cycle of craziness called the victim triangle. Skip to main content. Image Unavailable Image not available for Colour: Be the first to review this item.
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